Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.