STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
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This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
This is painfully accurate 😅
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Body by Oreos
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.