It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
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After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
tinder is all about the long game
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels