Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
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In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
They’re on their honeymoon
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.