*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
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To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”