somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
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Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!