Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit