i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.