Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
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Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
For when Tinder doesn’t work
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
This will never not be funny to me.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.