I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
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Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets