i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”