*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
You Might Also Like
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table