“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
You Might Also Like
When news reporters do sports stories
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal