*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
They’re on their honeymoon
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night