put ‘er there pardner!
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.