Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The biggest mystery of our time
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue