My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?