How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
You Might Also Like
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Dishonest mechanic?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Just a phase…
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt