I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
You Might Also Like
stand with me against insufficient seating
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I鈥檓 never invited back into the office
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I backed my car into my husband鈥檚 car once when we were dating and for 25 years he鈥檚 not parked behind me.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can鈥檛 a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]