Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
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Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you