It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My sex drive has a dui
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…