My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”