Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
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If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
no
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Cashiers are always checking me out
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020