Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
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Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents