if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
It’s an epidemic…
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
absolute chaos
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave