me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
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What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run