Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.