You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.