*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
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me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
yeah 😭
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Dead
Alive
Other✔
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again