*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
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[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.