Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
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One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
cats when you pet them too long:
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.