[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
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Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me, flirting😏
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.