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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.