The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
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I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Sign of the day..
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”