A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
You Might Also Like
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
seems fine
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE