people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.