If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare