4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
watergate? u mean a dam??
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi