The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.