5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt