me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
You Might Also Like
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair