Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying