I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
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i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The answer is funnier than the question
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”