POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
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If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*