Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit