[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
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I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
plums roundup
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
im 7 sauces long
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…