(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Twitter fine art
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.