I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.