Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
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OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
what
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.