Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You Might Also Like
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Spring of Deception
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you